“We burned out because we lose purpose, we lose the meaning of it,” he said softly when the session was ending, blurred under the background noise of people getting ready to leave.
You know you’ve heard or read that line a million times. But one day you hear it again at some random moment and it hits different.
Timing is a cute thing.
***
“Kenapa Bali, el?” tanya anak baru di kantor saat random huddle di Slack.
Aku habis cerita kalau lagi kerja remote dari Bali.
“el, putus?” — perk of being remote worker, kalau tiba-tiba diem, dikira internet putus.
“Kaga, Bang. Emang lagi diem.”
Mikir, ini. Kenapa Bali?
Aku juga ga tau, jadi ga aku jawab.
Little did I know, that question cracked something open.
Mulai dari tiga jam tiap hari cuma buat liat langit, nyasar di sawah, tiba-tiba motoran ke gunung, sampai nangis tengah malam depan pantai dan diliatin orang.
That was not a 3-days story or 3 months. But years.
Bali yang akhirnya memaksaku berpikir tentang purpose.
My own purpose.
***
I started my career as a journalist.
Small editorial team. Photography. Music. Surrounded by people who were alive with what they loved.
Di suatu waktu aku bisa tertawa bersama orang asing cuma karena menyapa earphone customnya.
Di hari lain, ikutan mau nangis saat jurnalis foto senior yang cerita saat dia meliput perang dan bencana.
I was fulfilled.
Dilanjut ke tim editorial dari brand yang sangat besar.
I remember someone saying during the test “Saya sudah 3x tes sampai tahap ini. Susah banget masuk tim editorial itu.”
I got the golden ticket.
But the brand’s mission was even more golden. Too golden. So bright it burned.
I was not strong enough to keep walking and writing while also witnessing how naive and fragile human is.
I resigned, knowing that there are still strong people there to make the earth better place.
And again, I was fulfilled.
Then I moved to startup. Develop mobile app as a marketplace for creative sellers.
I saw many stories and struggles from creative business owners, how they live, survive and value their ‘tiny’ joys.
How the smallest things keep their world moving.
I could cheer for every little thing, that alone was fulfilling.
Then life made me think harder.
Things happened here and there.
I resigned.
Fortunately, I got to work at a creative agency that allowed full remote work.
So I could move, breathe, and process everything.
Most of that processing happened here in Bali.
And somewhere in that mess, I realized, I still don’t know my purpose.
I need my own purpose.
***
These stories are not to tell you that I found mine.
I haven’t. HAHAHAHHAHA.
But I wanna tell you this,
Even if you haven’t found or realized your purpose.
Even if you wanna cry everyday, or life feels numb and meaningless,
it’s okay.
We may still have no reason.
we may exist because of some random reason we don’t know yet.
Then let it be.
And smile through the not-knowing.
We can think about it later.
When everything feels lighter.
That’s the reason — for no reason.
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